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Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room

Scooter: [Knocking On Door 4 Times] "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 17 2nds 'til curtain, Mr (Guest Star's Last Name)."

Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, it's gonna be a real good evening for a home improvement night."

Scooter: "Oh that's nice, (Guest Star's 1st Name), but did you get that rocket missille building set you ordered?"

Guest Star: "Yes, I did, it's right here inside the box, I just haven't opened it yet."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo.........

Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Tim Allen, yaaaaaay!"

[The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background]

Rowlf: [Playing Theme Music On Piano Keys]

[Music Upbeats]

Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtian on the All-New Muppet Show tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here?

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture

Statler: to have to watch the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now let's get things started

Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show.........

Gonzo: [Playing Taps On Bugle]

Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction

Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, tonight's a very special home improvement night, 'cause tonight's special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, it's time for an opening musical number."

Robin walks up to Kermit onstage.

Robin: "Uncle Kermit? just for you to know, rocket missilles take a very long time to build."

Kermit: "Oh thanks for telling me that, Robin, (he turns over to the audience) but anyway, here's Piggy for the opening musical number."

Opening Musical Number: Never Before, Never Again

Rowlf: [Playing Music On Piano]

Miss Piggy: Never before, have 2 souls joined so freely, and so fast

for me this is the first time and the last

is this an angel's wish for men?

never before and never again

and where to find the words to sing it's worth

this love was bound for heaven, not for earth

this love was meant to light the stars,

but when we touched, we made it ours

and would they take it back?

oh, no, they wouldn't dare!

why should they take it back,

when there's enough to share with all the world

and fill the heavens above

with left-over love?

never before, a love that just keeps growing on and on,

to fill each lover's heart and light the dawn

is this an angel's wish for men?

never before and never again

never before and never again

[Music Ends]

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.........

Waldorf: "You know, I once heard this song in The Muppet Movie before."

Statler: "You've heard of it, Waldorf?"

Waldorf: "Well, yeah, when it all began at a town square fair."

Statler: "Did you faint because of it?"

Waldorf: "No, I just fell asleep through it."

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Muppet News Flash: Street burglary

Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash."

The Newsman sits right at his desk.

Newsman: "This just in, there's been a street burglary near the library, so be warned, you'd better lock your doors and windows immediately."

The Newsman looks around, but luckily no street burglars show up.

Newsman: "No street burglars in sight, thank goodness."

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.......

Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Labs sketch number: Invisibility Spray

[Clock Ticking]

[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]

Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention, it's called Invisibility Spray."

(Brief Pause)

Bunsen: "Have you ever been spotted by certain enemies patrolling the city streets? well, if you want to be invisible and sneak right past them, try using Invisibility Spray, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, give it a try."

Beaker: (holding out the Invisibility Spray) Mee, mee!

Bunsen: "Watch and see what happens."

Beaker sprays the Invisibility Spray across and slowly becomes invisible himself.

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, where did you go off to?"

Invisible Beaker: "Me, mo, mee, mee!"

Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today."

Backstage/Talk Spot

Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), what do you like to do over summer vacation?"

Guest Star: "Well, I like relaxing and reading a magazine in my hammock, what do you guys like to do over summer vacation?"

Gonzo: "I like going water-skiing on the beach myself."

Guest Star: "Well, Gonzo, you're 1 stunt performer."

Scooter: "Summer vacation never ends for a very long time."

Skeeter: "There's always gonna be spring time, summer time, autumn and winter time."

The Swedish Chef sketch number: Chocolate lava cake

Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,

orn desh, dee born desh,

de umn

bork, bork, bork

Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng chuculete-a lefa ceke-a."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, get oooot a medeeoom meexing bool und a lerge-a meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef gets out a medium mixing bowl and a large mixing bowl and puts them on the kitchen counter.

Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a preheet zee oofee tu fuoor hoondred und tventy-feefe-a degrees fehrenheeet."

The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 425 degrees fahrenheit.

Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a fur zee ingredeeents."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a poot oone-a steeck ooff bootter in zee lerge-a meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 1 stick of butter in the large mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot tvu oooonces ooff beettersveet chuculete-a in zee lerge-a meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 2 ounces of bittersweet chocolate in the large mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in tvu oooonces ooff semeesveet chuculete-a in zee lerge-a meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 2 ounces of semisweet chocolate in the large mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meecrooefe-a zeem fur thurty-sefee meenootes."

The Swedish Chef microwaves the 1st set of ingredients for 37 minutes, 'til the microwave timer is up.

Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot oone-a helff coop ooff ell poorpuse-a fluoor in zee medeeoom meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 1/2 cup of all purpose flour in the medium mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot tvu lerge-a igg vheetes in zee medeeoom meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 2 large egg whites in the medium mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot three-a igg yulks in zee medeeoom meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 3 egg yolks in the medium mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, oone-a teespuun ooff funeella."

The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of vanilla in the medium mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, oone-a und oone-a fuoort coops ooff poodered sooger."

The Swedish Chef puts 1 1/4 cups of powdered sugar in the medium mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a meex up ell ooff oooor ingredeeents in zee beeg meexer."

The Swedish Chef mixes up all of the ingredients in the big mixer, 'til they're all mixed up and he turns the big mixer off.

Swedish Chef: "Okey, noo ve-a sprey zee bekeeng pun veet cuukeeng sprey."

The Swedish Chef sprays the baking pan with cooking spray, and scrapes the mixed chocolate lava cake batter with a rubber bowl scraper and puts it right into the baking pan.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot it in zee oofee und beke-a it fur thurteee meenootes."

The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts, then puts the baking pan in the oven and bakes the chocolate lava cake batter for 13 minutes, 'til the microwave timer is up.

Swedish Chef: "Teeme-a tu teke-a it ooootta zee oofee und set it reeght oon tup ooff tvu cuuleeng recks."

The Swedish Chef takes the chocolate lava cake outta the oven and sets it right on top of 2 cooling racks.

Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, chuculete-a lefa ceke-a."

The chocolate lava cake comes to life as a Muppet chocolate lava cake.

Chocolate Lava Cake: "Feel the chocolate lava flowing right before your very eyes."

Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?"

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.........

Waldorf: "I sure do remember selling cupcakes and bagels at a local bakery shop."

Statler: "Well I remember selling donuts and cream pies myself."

Waldorf: "The history of baked goods."

Statler: "You just can't resist them!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.......

Kermit: "Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next, Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next onstage, everybody."

Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama sketch number: Lew Zealand's interview

Johnny: "Good evening, everybody, Johnny Fiama here, with my faithful monkey sidekick, Sal Minella."

Sal: "Good to see you guys again."

Johnny: "Tonight, we have Lew Zealand for a very special interview, so, Lew, tell us all about yourself."

Lew Zealand: "Well, I have this real big collection of boomerang fish."

Johnny: "Good, very good, and what do you do with them."

Lew Zealand: "And every single time I throw 1 of them, they go away, then come right back to me."

Johnny: "Sounds fascinating, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us on my talk show next time you all come to visit me for more interviews."

Pigs in Space sketch number: Sewer Slime

Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the swine trek."

Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What is it, Dr. Strangepork?"

Dr. Strangepork: "It's the Common Cleaner 900."

Link Hogthrob: "What does the Common Cleaner 900 do?"

Dr. Strangepork: "It cleans up real big messes in kitchens, living rooms and everywhere."

Link Hogthrob: "That can come in handy, but look, there's a blast of sewer slime approaching!"

Dr. Strangepork: "Don't worry about it, everybody, I know just what to do around here."

Dr. Strangepork cleans away the sewer slime mess with the Common Cleaner 900.

Miss Piggy/1st Mate PIggy: "Finally, no more sewer slime messes."

Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever stay neat and tidy? does Dr. Strangepork know what he's doing? will 1st Mate Piggy ever keep her balance? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace."

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........

Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody."

Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Johnny as the patient

Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was comin' back home from grocery shoppin', I looked around and I saw some mud tracks, I was very careful not to get turned into a mud monster."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your mud monster jokes."

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, who's our patient this time?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Piggy, observe and watch."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corners of the green quilt to reveal Johnny as their patient.

Johnny: "Oh man, my neck's really painful."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my gosh, Johnny, like, what happened to you?"

Johnny: "I got these terrible aches and pains in my neck, and they just won't seem to go away."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Not to worry about it, Johnny, all you need is a heating pad to relax that neck of yours."

Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever find a heating pad? does Nurse Piggy have good looks for magazine covers? will Nurse Janice ever keep her hands cleaned? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-"

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Dr. Bob? any word for this patient?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, he's gone a bit loopy over the edge."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..........

Waldorf: "So, Statler, have you ever had any check-ups before?"

Statler: "Well yeah, but I've had a couple of flu shots."

Waldorf: "Oh yeah? well I've had a couple of vaccination shots myself."

Statler: "Health and fitness!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit onstage........

Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number."

Closing musical number: Hello Goodbye

The Electric Mayhem band members tune up their instruments.

Dr. Teeth: You say yes, I say no
you say stop and I say go

Animal: go, go

Janice: oh no

Floyd: you say goodbye and I say hello

Zoot: hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

Floyd: I say high, you say low
you say why and I say I don't know, oh no
you say goodbye and I say hello

4 Electric Mayhem band members: hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye

Janice: hello, hello

4 Electric Mayhem band members: hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye

Janice: I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello


4 Electric Mayhem band members: hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye

Janice: hello, hello

4 Electric Mayhem band members: hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye

Janice: I don't know why you say goodbye,

4 Electric Mayhem band members: hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye

Janice: I say hello

4 Electric Mayhem band members: goodbye

Zoot: why, why, why, why, why, why do you say goodbye? goodbye? oh no

Floyd: you say goodbye and I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

Zoot: you say yes

4 Electric Mayhem band members: I say yes

Zoot: I say no

4 Electric Mayhem band members: but I may mean no


Zoot: you say stop

4 Electric Mayhem band members: I can stay

Zoot: and I say go, go, go

4 Electric Mayhem band members: 'til it's time to go, oh
oh no

Dr. Teeth: you say goodbye and I say hello

Zoot: hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello, helloooooo....

[Music Ends]

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again......

Statler: "Well, Waldorf, what did you think about that song they were playing?"

Waldorf: "It was fantastic, it was 1 of the Beatles' greatest hits."

Statler: "Music to my ears!"

Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star

Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, it's been a wonderful show with all of you here tonight, but right before we go, let's have a nice warm welcome for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!"

The Guest Star arrives out onstage.

Guest Star: "Kermit and good friends, thanks for letting me be on your show tonight."

Bobby Benson: "It's our pleasure, (Guest Star's 1st Name), even my baby band enjoyed it."

Beauregard shows up onstage.

Beauregard: "Hey, Kermit, Gonzo, guys, the rocket missile is ready to be launched."

Kermit: "Oh good, Beauregard, (he turns over to the audience.) but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show."


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