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Announcer: “It’s now time for some live entertainment on ABC Network, Disney productions presents: The Muppet Movie Flashback Anniversary, appearing on tonight’s broadcast: Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, the Great Gonzo, Sam the Eagle and the entire Muppet gang.”

Prologue: The living room

Walter: "Hey, Kermit, Fozzie, guys, do you remember your very 1st movie, The Muppet Movie back in 1979?"

Kermit: "Well, Walter, it all began with my entire life in the swamp right before I met up with Fozzie, Gonzo and the rest of you guys and right before you came along and met all of us."

Janice: "Oh wow, it happened that 1 time."

Floyd: "I remember it like it was a very long time ago."

Beaker: "Mee mo, mo, mee, mo, mee."

Bunsen: "Oh, yes, Beaker, I believe you do have a wonderful memory about it."

Flashback to the scenes from The Muppet Movie (1979) (with new cast members playing the parts of the human characters)

[Banjo Music Playing In Background]

Kermit: Why are there so many

songs about rainbows

and what's on the other side

Kermit (continued): rainbows are visions

but only illusions

and rainbows have nothing to hide

Kermit: so we've been told

and some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong

wait and see

Kermit (continued): someday we'll find it

the rainbow connection

the lovers

the dreamers

and me

[Music Continues Playing]

Kermit: who said that every wish

would be heard and answered

when wished on the morning star

Kermit (continued): somebody thought of that

and someone believed it

and look what it's done so far

Kermit: what's so amazing

that keeps us stargazing

and what do we think we might see

Kermit (continued): someday we'll find it

the rainbow connection

the lovers

the dreamers

and me

all of us under its spell

we know that it's probably magic

Kermit: have you been half asleep?

and have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name

Kermit (continued): is this the sweet sound

that called the young sailors?

the voice might be 1 in the same


Kermit: I've heard it too many times to ignore it

it's something that I'm supposed to be

someday we'll find it

the rainbow connection

the lovers, the dreamers and me

Kermit (continued): la, da, da di da, da, dum doo, da, da, da, dum, di, da, doo

[Music Ends]

Bernie is rowing his canoe over to where Kermit is located.

Bernie: "Hey, somebody, help me, this is a serious call for help!"

Kermit: "Oh, hey, Bernie, what can I do for you here?"

Bernie: "I got myself lost, I was on my way to find somebody very talented and important for a Hollywood movie production, and I'm hoping it's you."

Kermit: "Oh joy, how very exciting, I'll be on my way to Hollywood in a jiffy."

Bernie: "That's good, well, I gotta go, make sure you get there in the nick of time."

Kermit gets up, places his banjo in the basket of his shiny bike and heads off on his journey.

Kermit: [Narrating] And so, I was on my fantastic journey, 'til I saw something up ahead, which was very disturbing.

Kermit stops by and sees that some work men are putting up a Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs business franchise, and he's very nervous, and he's about to turn away from it, but he doesn't notice the steam roller.

Worker Man Number 1: "Hey, lay off the asfault, alright?!"

Max: "Hey, you on the shiny bike, watch out for the steam roller!"

Kermit: [Narrating] I turned and began panicking in alarm just as I saw the steamroller coming right behind me, and to make matters worse, I looked up ahead and saw 1 piece of construction equipment blocking my way, and this didn't look good."

Max: "Oh, good grief, no!"

Kermit is now on the steam roller.

Kermit: "Oh my word, that's very dangerous building a road right in the middle of the street here, I mean, if frogs couldn't hop around, I'd be gone with the schwinn!"

Kermit: [Narrating] Later on, I stopped right by The El Sleezo Café.”

Kermit: The El Sleezo Café, united states food.

Kermit: “It doesn’t smell promising, but most frogs sure gotta eat anyway.”

Kermit: “Oh wow, tough place, right?”

El Sleezo Owner: “That’s the toughest, meanest, filthiest place on the face of the universe.”

Kermit: “Why not complain to the owner here?”

El Sleezo Owner: “I am the owner here.”

Kermit goes inside the El Sleezo Café.

Inside the El Sleezo Café

El Sleezo Waiter: “Watch out, everybody, hot stuff comin' through, look out, you got your french-fried frog legs au gratin, you got your frog legs almandine, you got your frog legs stroganoff, everybody proud now? alright.”

Kermit is disturbed by those frog legs ideas.

El Sleezo Patron: “Hello, young sailor, are you gonna buy me a beverage?”

Kermit: “Actually, I’m not a sailor, I'm a green frog with powerful skills of performing.”

El Sleezo Patron: “Cut the short talk and buy me a beverage.”

Kermit: “But I don't even know you.”

El Sleezo Tough Customer: “Hey, are you makin' 1 move on my gal?”

Kermit: “No, kind sir, I’m not.”

El Sleezo Patron: “Well, he did too, he nearly touched me.”

El Sleezo Tough Customer: “Go wash your hands, you'll get warts all over.”

Kermit: “No, no, no, no, no, that's just a myth.”

El Sleezo Tough Customer: “Yeah right, but she's my mith.”

Kermit: “No, no, no, no, no, myth, myth.”

Myth: “Yes?”

Kermit: “What the hey?”

El Sleezo Pianist: “Show time, everybody, show time at the El Sleezo Café, and now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo dancing women, the most powerful and hilarious, Fozzie Bear.”

Fozzie shows up onstage.

Fozzie: “Hiya, hiya, hiya, you're a wonderful crowd, thank you, thank you and thank you, here I am, Fozzie Bear, to tell all of you jokes both old and new.”

El Sleezo Customer: “Get off the stage!”

Fozzie: “Let’s begin things off with a loud blast.”

[Blast!]

Fozzie: “Thanks, kind sir.”

Kermit: “This guy's just lost.”

El Sleezo Customer Number 1: “Well? maybe he should try Hare Krishna.”

Kermit: “Good grief, it's just a running gag.”

Fozzie: “There was this 1 sailor who was so big and fat-”

El Sleezo Customer Number 2: “How big and fat was he?”

Fozzie: “He was so big and fat that everybody adored him, and there was nothing hilarious about him at all.”

[Crowd Booing]

Fozzie: “No problem.”

[Booing Continues]

Fozzie: “Please, oh, please, I'm just trying so hard, please don't get angry and upset with me, I'm a skilled professional, I've had 3 performances, curtain, curtain!”

Kermit: “Do you remember any dance routines?”

Fozzie: “What? no, not really, do you?”

Kermit: “Play something real snappy.”

El Sleezo Pianist: “You got it.”

[Piano Music Playing]

Kermit: “Now tap dance.”

Fozzie: “Huh, what?”

Kermit: “Tap dance.”

Kermit and Fozzie are now tap dancing and Doc Hopper’s spying on them with Max who’s right next to him.

Kermit: “It's too bad that the dancing women are on vacation, the entire crowd’s going crazy.”

Fozzie: “If You think this crowd's crazy, you should see the dancing women, 1, 2, 3, kick, 1, 2, 3, kick.”

Kermit: “Now kick.”

Fozzie: “Yeah, right sorry ‘bout that, comin' back to town.”

The entire crowd begins getting more crazy.

Fozzie: “Excuse me, I just cleaned my furs, please!”

Kermit: “I really hope you all appreciate that I'm doing all of my own stunts!”

Fozzie pops right up from behind the counter disguised as a bar tender.

Fozzie/Bar Tender: “Okay, everybody, beverages are on the house.”

Customer Number 3: “Beverages are on the house.”

Customer Number 4: “Yeah right, go, go, on the house.”

Cut to outside the El Sleezo Café……

Customer Number 5: “I don't see no beverages up here.”

Customer Number 6: “What's he talkin' about?”

Customer Number 7: “The bar tender said there were beverages on the house.”

Fozzie: “It works every single time.”

Kermit: “Oh wow, by the way, Fozzie, I’m Kermit and I'm on my way to Hollywood.”

Fozzie: “Hollywood?”

Kermit: “You wanna join me?

Fozzie: “Big time show business, that's always been my dream vision.”

Kermit: “Well they're holding auditions for frogs next week and if they need frogs, they must need bears as well too.”

Fozzie: “My car's right outside the parking lot.”

Cut to Kermit and Fozzie in the Studebaker.

Kermit: “Oh wow, a Studebaker, where'd you get it, Fozzie?”

Fozzie: “My uncle left it to me, Kermit.”

Kermit: “Is he deceased?”

Fozzie: “No, he's just hibernating.”

Kermit: “You know, Fozzie, you really do have lots of talent.”

Fozzie: “Thanks, kind sir.”

Kermit: “How ‘bout we put together 1 good act?”

Fozzie: “No, sorry, Kermit, I only work as 1 single bear.”

Kermit: “Well, alright.”

Fozzie: “Okay, you spoke me into it, we'll be a super good team.”

Kermit: “Oh good.”

Fozzie: “What's that over there?”

Kermit: “You’d better pull over here.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Kermit: “Hey, what's going on around here?”

Doc Hopper shows up right by Kermit’s Studebaker window.

Doc Hopper: “Howdy doody, Mr. Frog, I'm a business man with a proposition.”

Kermit: “Huh, what?”

Doc Hopper: “Let me show you something that might change your entire life.”

Doc Hopper opens Kermit’s Studebaker door and Kermit takes off his seat belt and gets right outta the Studebaker.

Doc Hopper: “Hop right on over here, my little green friend.”

Kermit: “Hey, listen here, Mr.-”

Doc Hopper: “Yeah, that's it, this is the kind of chance you can't really afford to pass up, now don't be nervous, watch the windows.”

Doc Hopper turns on the television screens.

Kermit: “Hey, what's that?”

Television Doc Hopper: “Hi there, I'm Doc Hopper, inviting all of you to hop on down and get some Hopper's French-fried frog legs, right here, at the sign of the big green legs.”

Kermit: “Good grief.”

Television Doc Hopper: “Hurry, everybody, hurry, hurry.”

All of Doc Hopper’s workers show up around him.


Television Doc Hopper: Frog legs, frog legs

frog legs so fine

Hopper's is the place

you should dine

there's cheese legs

bacon legs

chili legs too

French-fried frog legs

barbecued

Kermit: “Oh, Fozzie.”

Television Doc Hopper: if you want just a snack

Fozzie: “Don't worry about it.”

Television Doc Hopper: then here is the 1

a frog-leg burger

on a bright green bun

Kermit: “That’s terrible and horrible, that's the most disturbing thing I've seen in my entire life.”

Doc Hopper: “I know, I'm a powerful business man and an intelligent person, but I do lack the powerful skills of a performer.”

Kermit: “You also make 1 lousy frog.”

Doc Hopper: “You, on the other hand, make a wonderful frog.”

Kermit: “What the-”

Fozzie: “He's absolutely right, you’re very likeable.”

Doc Hopper: “The bear's absolutely right, you, my little likeable friend, are gonna do all of our television commercials.”

Kermit: “What? no way.”

Doc Hopper: “Just 1 minute, there's 500 dollars in it for you, right up front, 500 is just the beginning, you could be earning this much cash every single year.”

Kermit: “Come on, Fozzie, let's go.”

Fozzie: “500 dollars? would you consider a bear in a frog suit?”

Kermit: “Let’s go, Fozzie!”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir, I just lost my head.”

Kermit and Fozzie make their leave.

Doc Hopper: “just 1 minute there, Mr. Frog, everything's negotiable.”

Fozzie: “Alright, here we go, sorry ‘bout that.”

Doc Hopper: “Hey, what are you doing? that's my Caddy.”

Kermit: “Just get it into gear, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir, here we go.”

Doc Hopper: “This is cash we're speaking about.”

(Brief Pause)

Doc Hopper: “Max!”

Max turns over to where Doc Hopper is facing him.

Doc Hopper: “Go follow that frog!”

Max begins driving off in Doc Hopper’s car.

Doc Hopper: “Max!”

Max comes back again.

Doc Hopper: “Go follow that frog with me in the car!”

Max: “I'm terribly sorry, Doc, I just got super excited, isn't the frog super incredible?”

Doc Hopper: “Wonderful, now go.”

Max: “But you just promised me a reward.”

Doc Hopper: “Later, Max, now go follow that frog.”

Cut to Kermit and Fozzie driving around across the country side.

Fozzie: “It's a splendid day out here.”

Kermit: “Yep, it certainly is.”

Fozzie: “Yep, the most wonderful day for a drive.”

Kermit: “Such a beautiful country out here.”

Fozzie: “A frog and a bear, seeing the sights of America.”

Kermit: [Playing On Banjo] Movin' right along

in search

of good times and good news

with good friends you can't lose

Fozzie: this could become a habit


Kermit: opportunity knocks once

let's reach out and grab it

together we'll nab it

Fozzie: we'll hitchhike bus or yellow cab it

Kermit: “Wait, what? cab it?”

Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

footloose and fancy free

Kermit: gettin’ there is half the fun

come share it with me

Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

Kermit: we'll learn to share the load

Fozzie: we don't need a map to keep this show on the road

Kermit: “Now, Fozzie, turn left if you come to a fork in the road.”

Fozzie: “Yes, sir, turn left right at the fork in the road, turn left.”

Kermit: “I don't believe that.”

Kermit: movin' right along

we've found a life on the highway

Fozzie: and your way is my way

Kermit: so trust my navigation

Fozzie: California here we come

the pie in the sky land

Kermit: palm trees and warm sand

Fozzie: though sadly

we just left Rhode Island

Kermit: “We did what?”

Fozzie: “Just forget about it.”

Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

Kermit: hey, LA, where've you gone?

Fozzie: send someone to fetch us

we're in Saskatchewan


Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

Kermit: “You take it.”

Kermit: you know best

Fozzie: hey I've never seen the sun

come up in the west

Fozzie: “Oh boy, a bear in his natural habitat, a Studebaker.”

Kermit: “Hey, Fozzie, look right up ahead.”

Fozzie: “Who’s that?”

Kermit: “I think we should give him a ride.”

Fozzie: “I don't know, Kermit, he's pretty big.”

Big Bird stops right by the Studebaker that Kermit and Fozzie are driving around in.

Fozzie: “Hey, there, you need a lift?”

Big Bird: “No thank you, I'm on my way to New York City, to try and break into public television.”

Fozzie: “Okay, good luck then.”

Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

we're truly birds of a feather

we're in this together

Kermit: and we know where we're goin'

Fozzie: movie stars with flashy cars

and life with the top down

Kermit: we're stormin' the big town

Fozzie: “Storming’s right, should it be snowing out here?”

Kermit: “No, Fozzie, I don't think so.”

Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

Kermit: footloose and fancy free

Kermit and Fozzie: you're ready for the big time

Kermit: is it ready for me

Kermit and Fozzie: movin' right along

movin’ right along

movin’ right along

movin’ right along

Kermit: “Hey, Fozzie, look up right ahead there, there's 1 of those Doc Hopper billboards, maybe you’d better pull right over.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Kermit: “Oh, Look at that.”

Fozzie: “Oh my gosh, Kermit, that’s really you.”

Doc Hopper and Max show up.

Doc Hopper: “You got the picture, Mr. Frog? you see what I mean? Kermit the Frog, the symbol of Doc Hopper's French-Fried Frog Legs, isn't that splendid? just take 1 look at it.”

Kermit: “All I can see are millions of frogs on little crutches.”

Doc Hopper: “Now listen here, Mr. Frog, don't you wanna be the richest and the greatest?”

Kermit: “Not working for you, I’m not.”

Fozzie: “That’s exactly right.”

Max: “Crutches?”

Doc Hopper: “Shut it, Max.”

Doc Hopper: “We're a short time operation, but we're expanding just like most frogs expand, don't most frogs expand?”

Kermit: “That's just a myth.”

Doc Hopper: “What did you say?”

Kermit: “Myth, myth!”

Myth: “Yes?”

Kermit: “Burn rubber, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Kermit and Fozzie drive off in the Studebaker again.

Doc Hopper: “Hey, frog, that's the 2nd time this week!”

Doc Hopper: “Well, Max, I've done my best with that frog and right now's the time to do my worst, now open the door.”

Max: “No way, you open the door.”

Doc Hopper: “Huh, what?”

Max: “I'm through with it, Doc, the frog’s absolutely right, you're just asking him to do something terrible and horrible I can't be a part of it, it's a moral decision and I'll just stand by it.”

Doc Hopper: “I'll double your percentage, Max, I'll open the door.”

Doc Hopper and Max get right back in Doc Hopper’s car.

Cut back to Kermit and Fozzie driving around in the Studebaker again……

Fozzie: “Hey, Kermit, where are we?”

Kermit: “Well, Fozzie, let's see, we were just travelling right down this little black line here, and we just crossed that little red line over there.”

Fozzie: “Let's take the blue line, right?”

Kermit: “Fozzie, we can't take that, that's a river bank.”

Fozzie: “Oh yeah, I knew that.”

Kermit: “Yeah right, sure, of course.”

Fozzie: “Listen, Kermit, why don't we just go-”

Kermit: “Uh, Fozzie?”

Fozzie: “Yeah, Kermit?”Kermit: “Who's driving?”

Kermit and Fozzie: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Kermit: “Look out, stop!”

Fozzie: “No problem!”

Kermit: “Okay, now back it up.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Fozzie backs the Studebaker up and it stops right by Trinity Memorial Church.

Kermit: “Fozzie, where’d you learn to drive like that?”

Fozzie: “Well, I took a correspondence course.”

Kermit: “Oh wow, this looks like a good spot.”

Fozzie: “Mm hmm.”

Kermit: “it just feels like we've been driving around for days.”

Fozzie: “Real hilarious, but I'm still wide awake.”

Kermit: “Me too.”

Fozzie: “Me 3.”

Kermit and Fozzie: [Snoring Lightly]

[Electric Mayhem Band Music In Church Building]

Fozzie: “I'm awake, I'm awake!”

Kermit: “What's that sound?”

Kermit and Fozzie enter Trinity Memorial Church and see Dr. Teeth, Janice, Zoot, Floyd and Animal performing.

Inside Trinity Memorial Church

Fozzie: “They don't really look like Presbyterians to me.”

Dr. Teeth: “Hey, cool it there, everybody, our good mornin' songs have attracted wanderin' admirers.”

Kermit: Hey, you, who are you guys?

Floyd: “We are best known as the Electric Mayhem band.”

Janice: “Oh rully.”

Floyd: “That’s Dr. Teeth.”

Dr. Teeth: “Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my appearance.”

Fozzie: “Why thank you.”

Kermit: “Fozzie-”

Floyd: “I'm Floyd Pepper, I play bass.”

Zoot: “And I'm-”

Floyd: “Zoot, saxophone playing is your gig.”

(Brief Pause)

Floyd: “Uh oh, Zoot skipped another beat again.”

Janice: “Oh wow, like, I'm Janice on lead guitar, rully.”

Animal: [Yelling Wildly]

Floyd: “That's Animal, show 'em what you do around here, Animal.”

Animal: “I wanna eat drums.”

Animal puts his mouth on 1 of the cymbals.

Dr. Teeth: “No, no, no, no, no, beat drums, beat drums.”

Animal: “Beat drums, beat drums!”

Floyd: “Down, Animal!”

Animal: “Down!”

Floyd: “Back!”

Animal: “Back!”

Floyd: “Sit!”

Animal: “Sit!”

Scooter (off screen): “Hey, don't forget about me, everybody.”

Scooter: “I'm Scooter, the band's road manager.”

Floyd: “Yeah right, the road manager, we couldn't go anyplace without him.”

Fozzie: “Is he the young man with the contacts?”

Dr. Teeth: “No, Fozzie, he's the young man with the van.”

Scooter: “Yeah right, we're taking this old church and turning it into a coffee house.”

Janice: “Yeah right, with super good music and organic refreshments.”

Dr. Teeth: “It'll be just fine and laid back and mellow and profitable.”

Animal: “Profitable.”

Floyd: “Yeah right, but what brings you guys here?”

Fozzie: “Hey Listen, you see? Kermit here, was living in the swamp,”

Kermit: “Fozzie-”

Fozzie: “then a fisherman came along-”

Kermit: “You can't tell them the entire story, you'll bore the entire audience half to death.”

Fozzie: “Oh, sorry ‘bout that.”

Fozzie: “But, Kermit, the band here wants to know.”

Kermit: “Well? let them read the screenplay.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Fozzie: “You see? it begins right here on page 1.”

Fozzie gives Dr. Teeth the screenplay.

Dr. Teeth: “The Muppet Movie, right? now let's see.”

Dr. Teeth: (reading the screenplay) Exterior. Swamp. Daytime. In a long helicopter shot, we notice Kermit the Frog, playin' his banjo and singin', a Hollywood agent begins the frog travelin’ west, Doc Hopper comes on strong and they get to this church building, Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie.”

Fozzie (dubbed with Dr. Teeth’s voice in a flashback sequence): “They don't really look like Presbyterians to me.”

Dr. Teeth: (still reading the screenplay) “Kermit and Fozzie come walkin' right down the aisle to the thunderously loud music of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem band.

Dr. Teeth: “Which is us.”

Other Electric Mayhem band members: “Yeah right.”

Dr. Teeth: “It’s a narrative of very heavy duty proportions.”

Floyd: “Totally cosmic, man, but we gotta keep this green frog away from this Doc Hopper person.”

Dr. Teeth: “Too true indeed, it really is a slight problem for all of us to 'meddle upon, but it seems to me that the frog and the bear are temporarily outta service.”

Janice: “Oh wow, like, what can we do to help them?”

Floyd: “Well, if this was a movie.”

Dr. Teeth: “Which of course it is.”

Floyd: “We'd think about a good plot device.”

Scooter: “Like disguising their car so they wouldn’t be recognized.”

Dr. Teeth: “Alright, 1, 2, 3 and 4.”

[Musical Interlude: Can You Picture That? (2018 version)]

Dr. Teeth: “Oh yeah, alright!”

Dr. Teeth: Anybody's lover

everybody's brother

I wanna be your lifetime friend

crazy as a rocket

nothin' in my pocket

I keep it at the rainbow's end

I never think of money

I think of milk and honey

grinnin' like a Cheshire cat

I focus on the pleasure

somethin' I can treasure

can you picture that

can you picture that

[Music Continues]

Dr. Teeth: “Oh yeah, so high!”

Dr. Teeth: “Hey Floyd, take a verse, it’s your turn.”

Floyd: “You got it, Dr. Teeth."

Floyd: let me take your picture

add it to the mixture

there it is

I got you now

really nothin' to it

anyone can do it

it's easy and we all know how

now begins the changin'

mental rearrangin'

nothin's really where it's at

Dr. Teeth: now the Eiffel Tower's

holdin’ up a flower

I gave it to a Texas cat

Dr. Teeth and other Band Members: fact is there's nothing out there

you can't do

yeah

even Santa Claus believes in you

Dr. Teeth: beat down your walls

begin, believe, begat

Floyd: be a better drummer

be an up and comer

can you picture that

Animal: can you baggy that

Janice: “Oh rully.”

Floyd: all of us are winnin'

pickin' and a-grinnin'

lordy but I love to jam

Janice: jelly-belly gigglin'

dancin' and a-wigglin'

honey that's the way I am

Dr. Teeth: I lost my heart in Texas

northern lights affect us

I keep it underneath my hat

Aurora Borealis

shinin' down on Dallas

can you picture that

Other Electric Mayhem band members: can you picture that

Electric Mayhem band members: can you picture

Dr. Teeth: you gotta see it in your mind

Electric Mayhem band members: can you picture

Floyd: yo it's quick and easy to find

Electric Mayhem band members: can you picture

Janice: you don't have to buy a frame

Electric Mayhem Band members: can you picture

can you picture that

can you picture that

Floyd: use it if you need it

Dr. Teeth: don't forget to feed it

Electric Mayhem band members: can you picture that

Cut to the now disguised rainbow colored Studebaker….

Dr. Teeth: “Doc Hopper’s never gonna recognize you now.”

Fozzie: “I don't know how else to thank you guys.”

Kermit: “And I don't know why else to thank you guys.”

Dr. Teeth: “It’s our pleasure, Kermit.”

Fozzie: “Are you sure you won't come along with both of us to Hollywood?”

Dr. Teeth: “We can't right now, Fozzie, but when you and Kermit become the richest and the greatest, maybe we'll show up and exploit your charity.”

Kermit: “Okay, movin' right along, Fozzie.”

Animal: “Bye-bye, bye-bye, Hollywood, Hollywood!”

Cut to Doc Hopper and Max driving around in Doc Hopper’s car.

Doc Hopper: “Now remember, this frog does everything, he speaks, he sings, he tap dances, he tells jokes and he even rides a bicycle, Max, find me the frog and the bear in a tan colored Studebaker.”

Max: “Well, Doc, all I can see is the frog and the bear in a rainbow-colored Studebaker.”

Doc Hopper: “What the-”

Kermit and Fozzie: “What the heck?!?”

Kermit: “Fozzie, they're gaining up on us!”

Fozzie: “I know, Kermit, I know!”

Kermit: “Well how’d they notice us?”

Fozzie: “They noticed you.”

Kermit: “What do you mean by that?”

Fozzie: “There's a lot of bears around here.”

Max: “I'm gaining up on them, Doc, I’m gaining up on them!”

Kermit: “Can't you drive any faster, Fozzie?”

Fozzie: “No, kind sir.”

Kermit: “Pull right in front of that sign.”

Fozzie pulls right up in front of the billboard sign that says Blast Off Super Lite Pop Off.

Kermit: “Now duck down.”

Fozzie: “Huh, what?”

Kermit: “Get right down, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Kermit and Fozzie duck right down in the Studebaker.

Cut to Gonzo and Camilla driving around in the plunger truck.

Gonzo (off screen): “Oh, yeah? mm hmm, yeah.”

Gonzo: “Oh I tell you, Camilla, good plumbers are born and not made, I'm the prince of the plunger, fair maiden, mm hmm, yeah right, we’ll do that, just wait ‘til we get over there.”

Kermit: “Hey, Fozzie, look at that crazy little truck.”

Fozzie: “Yeah right, adorable, right?”

Kermit: “No, Fozzie, it's coming right towards us.”

Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Camilla: [Clucking In Alarm]

Kermit: “We're gonna hit!”

They stop and are never injured.

Kermit: “Good thing we missed it.”

Gonzo (showing up on the Studebaker’s windshield): “Oh really? you call that a miss?”

Gonzo is now getting in the Studebaker with Camilla by his side.

Gonzo: “Well Camilla and I are getting in your car.

Kermit: “Are you guys alright?” Fozzie: “Why are you jumping up and down, Gonzo?”

Gonzo: Because I'm jumping out the angriness.”

Kermit: “He’s sure got some sense of comedy and humor.”

Fozzie: “Hey, Gonzo, why don't you join all of us?”

Gonzo: “Where are you guys going?”

Fozzie: “We're following our dream vision.”

Gonzo: “Really? I’ve got a dream vision too.”

Fozzie: “Oh, really?”

Gonzo: “But you'll just think it's crazy.”

Kermit: “No we won't.”

Fozzie: “Tell all of us, tell all of us.”

Gonzo: “I wanna go to Bombay, India and become a movie actor.”

Fozzie: “You don't really go to Bombay, India to become a movie actor or movie actress, you go where we're going: Hollywood.”

Gonzo: “Oh sure, if you wanna do it the easy way around.”

Fozzie: “We picked up a blue alien critter.”

They’re now driving around ‘til they see Mad Man Mooney’s.

Kermit: “Hey look right up ahead, there's Mad Man Mooney's.”

Fozzie: “What's that?”

Kermit: “It’s a used car lot, maybe we can trade in both of these old cars and get 1 big car.”

Fozzie: “Wait, what? trade in my uncle's Studebaker?”

Kermit: “Why sure, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “When he wakes up, he'll bust me.”

Kermit: “You're swinging this turn very wide, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Hold it, will you? here we go, up the bump.”

Kermit: “Alright, here we go, hang on, pull it up ahead there.”

Fozzie: “Look at all of these cars.”

Gonzo: “Hey, guys, are you gonna sell my plunger truck too?”

Fozzie: “No, Gonzo, we’re not gonna sell your plunger truck.”

Kermit: “Look at them up there, pull it up a bit farther.”

Fozzie: “Where should I stop? how should I stop?”

Kermit: “1 bit farther.”

Fozzie: “Alright, here?”

Kermit: “Now everybody outta the car.”

Fozzie: “Alright, but chickens 1st.”

The 4 Muppet friends are now at Mad Man Mooney’s.

Mad Man Mooney's

Mad Man Mooney: “My good friends, welcome to Mad Man Mooney's hubcap heaven, today’s your lucky day.”

Kermit: “Oh, it is?”

Mad Man Mooney: “Yes, of course it is, you, for example, you're driving the wrong car.”

Fozzie: “Oh, I am?”

Mad Man Mooney: “I can put you right in this German street machine for only 32 dollars, less than a 13-dollar trade-in on your old car, now, this car is 1 of the greatest fenders for narrow garages.”

Kermit: “No thanks, Mr. Mooney.”

Mad Man Mooney: “Now what’s this pile of-”

Mad Man Mooney: “Jack, get rid of this junk, come outta here.”

Sweetums shows up right in front of them.

Sweetums: “What? what? what?”

Mad Man Mooney: (whispering to Sweetums) “What's the matter with you?”

Mad Man Mooney: “That's my jack.”

Kermit: “Hi there, Jack.”

Sweetums: “Jack’s not the name, jack’s the job.”

Mad Man Mooney: “How many times have I told you not to speak to the customers?”

Sweetums: “Yeah right, I know what I’m doing.”

Mad Man Mooney: “Well just move this, you understand that?”

Gonzo: “Wow, look at that.”

Mad Man Mooney: “Seriously, good friends, Mad Man Mooney doesn't believe in all of that dealing and wheeling, no way, the price on the sticker is the price that you pay and never more and never less.”

Kermit: “We’ll take that one for 12 dollars and 13 cents.”

Mad Man Mooney: “Huh, what?”

Gonzo: “Less than our 13-dollar trade-in, you owe us 1 quarter.”

The 4 Muppet friends are now in the German street machine.

Kermit: “Thanks a bunch, hey, we're all going to Hollywood, wanna come along with all of us?”

Sweetums: “Hollywood?”

Kermit: “That's weird, he just ran away, moving right along, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Fozzie begins driving the German Street Machine around.

Kermit: “Watch where you're going right now, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Sweetums: “Hey, wait up, where are you going? hey, wait for me, I wanna go to Hollywood, hey, wait for me, come on, you, guys, wait, please, I wanna go to Hollywood!”

The Bogen County Fair

Beauty Contest Compere: “Testing, 1, 2, 3, testing, can you hear me? it's now time to announce the winner of this year's Bogen County Beauty Pageant, we sure grow them beautiful around here.”

Fozzie: “What's that?”

Beauty Contest Compere: “Alright, here they are: the 1st runner-up,”

Fozzie: “What's over there, Kermit?”

Beauty Contest Compere: “is Debbie Sue Anderson.”

Fozzie: “See that?”

Kermit: “Nice looking women, right?”

Gonzo: “Wow, and nice looking chickens too.”

Camilla: [Clucks In Surprise]

Gonzo: “No hard feelings, honey cakes.”

Beauty Contest Compere: “Right before announcing the winner, I think we should thank the judges of today's contest: this Edgar Bergen impersonator and Charlie McCarthy.”

Charlie McCarthy: “You're not gonna believe who the winner’s gonna be, folks.”

Edgar Bergen Impersonator: “Come on, Charlie, it’s their movie.”

Charlie McCarthy: “So’s this.”

Beauty Contest Compere: “And here she is, folks, this year's Miss Bogen County: Piggy, our lovely winner.”

Miss Piggy shows up onstage.

Miss Piggy: “Thank you, oh thank you.”

Gonzo: “Wow, it's a female pig, did you see that, Camilla?”

Miss Piggy: “Thank you, everybody, thank you, oh, Debbie Sue, oh, Amanda Jane, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Fozzie: “Hey, Kermit, you know-”

Kermit: “Not right now, Fozzie.”

Miss Piggy: “I just wanna say 1 good thing: this is the most wonderful minute of my entire-” Miss Piggy notices Kermit in the crowd with Fozzie, Gonzo and Camilla.

[Music In Background]

Miss Piggy: Never before

have 2 souls

joined so freely

and so fast

for me

this is the first time

and the last

is this an angel's wish

for men

Miss Piggy (continued): never before

and never again

and where to find the words

to sing

its worth

this love was bound

for heaven

not for earth

this love was meant

to light the stars

but when we touched

we made it ours

and could they take it back

oh no

they wouldn't dare

why should they take it back

when there's enough

to share with all the world

and fill the heavens

above

with leftover love

Miss Piggy: never before

a love that keeps on growing

on and on

to fill each lover's heart

and light the dawn

is this an angel's wish

for men

Miss Piggy (continued) never before

and never again

never before

and never again

Now on to Miss Piggy who’s right by Kermit’s side.

Kermit: “Oh, excuse me, pardon me.”

Miss Piggy: “Yes, Kermit, of course.”

Kermit: “Hey listen, Piggy, congratulations on winning the beauty contest.”

Miss Piggy: “Thanks a bunch, Kermit, of course, normally I don't do anything so crazy, I’m an actress and fashion model.”

Kermit: “Oh, is that true? well, uh, I'm gonna become a performer too.”

Gonzo: “Hey, Kermit, who's the adorable looking pig lady?”

Miss Piggy: “I beg your pardon.”

Gonzo: “Well if you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.”

Kermit: “Gonzo, come on.”

Fozzie: “Hey, I thought we were gonna go get some ice cream snacks.”

Kermit: “In 1 minute, Fozzie, we’ll join you.”

Miss Piggy: “Well, what are you doing in town? short, green and handsome?”

Kermit: “Well, Piggy, we're headed out west.”

Miss Piggy: “Oh, really, Kermit?”

Kermit: “Yeah right, but I should join my best friends for life to get ice cream snacks, you wanna come along?”

Miss Piggy: “Me? you really mean it? I'll be right back, don't move 1 single muscle.”

Cut to Fozzie speaking to the ice cream vendor.

Fozzie: “Hi there, I'd like an ice cream snack.”

Ice Cream Vendor: “What would you like? chocolate mousse? vanilla? Butter pecan? cookie dough? banana maple?”

Fozzie: “Clover Honey, please.”

Ice Cream Vendor: “Clover Honey? I beg your pardon, I barely know you.”

Fozzie: “But seriously, I'd like 1 clover honey ice cream for me and 1 dragonfly ripple for my best friend for life, the talented frog.”

Ice Cream Vendor: “Alright, 1 clover honey ice cream for the bear and 1 dragonfly ripple for the talented frog.”

Fozzie: “Sounds icky.”

Ice Cream Vendor: “Now don't get them mixed up.”

Fozzie: “I got you covered.”

Cut back with Gonzo and Camilla by the balloon vendor.

Camilla: [Clucking In Excitement]

Gonzo: “Alright, Camilla, I'll get you 1, but you need to pick the color: red, blue, purple, yellow or green.”

Balloon Vendor: “Can I give you 1 word of advice?”

Gonzo: “What’s that?”

Balloon Vendor: “Why not take both of them?”

Gonzo: “What a good idea.”

Balloon Vendor: “Yeah right, a nice beautiful chicken like that deserves 2 of these.”

Gonzo: “You're absolutely right.”

Balloon Vendor: “I’ve got young guys in all the time, sometimes they get a bunch of them for their young girls, they go crazy for it.”

Gonzo: “Crazy? I'll take the entire bunch.”

Camilla: [Clucks In Agreement]

Cut back to Kermit and Fozzie with their ice cream snacks…...

Kermit: “Gonzo?” Fozzie? I wonder where they went?”

Fozzie (off screen): “Kermit, oh, Kermit.”

Fozzie: “Hey, Kermit, where's your female pig friend?”

Kermit: “I'm not really sure about it, Fozzie, she said she was coming for ice cream snacks, but-”

Miss Piggy (off screen): “Yoo-hoo, here I am, here I am, I'm all packed up.”

Kermit: “Oh yeah, so I see, what for?”

Miss Piggy: “You said I could come along with you guys.”

Kermit: “Yeah right, but to buy ice cream snacks, not to Hollywood.”

Miss Piggy: “We're going to Hollywood?”

Kermit: “No, Piggy, I mean, listen, when I said, well, when you heard-”

Kermit suddenly sees Gonzo floating up with the entire balloon bunch in the blue skies.

Kermit: “Oh brother.”

Fozzie: “Huh, what?” 

Camilla: [Clucking In Alarm]

Kermit: “Gonzo, what are you doing up there?”

Gonzo: “Just about 7 strings.”

Kermit: “We're gonna follow you, Gonzo, to the car, everybody.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

They’re now back in the German street machine.

Kermit: “Gonzo, we're coming to get you down from there, step on it, Fozzie.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir.”

Miss Piggy: “Oh, Kermit, you're true a born leader.”

Kermit: “Now where’d he go?”

Gonzo: “Isn’t this thrilling? here I am, flying up in outer space, this is the exact place to be, whoop dee doo!”

Kermit: “Fozzie, bear left.”

Fozzie: “Huh, what?”

Kermit: “Bear left.”

Fozzie: “Right on.”

Kermit: “What the?

Fozzie: “Never mind that right now.”

Kermit: “That’s wonderful, this is-”

Gonzo: “Wow, look at our car down there, this is like flying around, maybe this is flying around, I'm flying around, whoop dee doo!”

Cut back to Doc Hopper and Max still driving around……

Max: “Hey, Doc, isn't that a frog up there?”

Doc Hopper: “No, Max, that's a frog down here.”

Kermit: “He's caught in a crazy wind, Fozzie, we're gonna lose him.”

Fozzie: “Oh dear!”

Doc Hopper holds out his gun weapon and Max tries to stop him.

Max: “What on earth are you doing, Doc?”

Doc Hopper: “I'm going right after their tires.” Kermit: “We're alright now, the wind just shifted, wait just 1 minute, stay with him, Fozzie, he's right above all of us.”

Kermit: “He’s alright.”

Fozzie: “Yeah right, hi there, Gonzo.”

Kermit: “Fozzie, get back in here.”

Fozzie: “What the? yes, kind sir.”

Kermit: “Watch down the entire road!”

Fozzie: “Kermit!”

Kermit: “Watch out for that billboard!”

They suddenly hit the billboard and a banana cream pie splats right on Doc Hopper’s car.

Kermit: “Take cover, Fozzie!”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir!”

Doc Hopper: “Get back here, you, no frog's gonna make a clown outta me!”

Gonzo (appearing back on the windshield): “Hey, guys, I'm back.”

Miss Piggy: “I just don't understand any of this.”

Cut back to Sweetums at the Bogen County Fair……

Sweetums: “I really need to catch up with those guys.”

Cut back to the 5 Muppet friends driving around in the German street machine……

Miss Piggy: “Kermit, you were so brave and heroic, so incredible.”

Kermit: “Well, I don't know what to say.”

Fozzie: “Just say the bear was intelligent, after all, I did the driving business.”

Gonzo: “And I took a 100-foot belly flop on a moving car.”

Miss Piggy: “Yes, but, Kermit assumed the big responsibility of true leadership.”

Kermit: “Oh boy.”

Fozzie: “Oh brother.”

Miss Piggy: “Why don't we stop someplace for the entire night and have a nice romantic dinner meal for the 2 of us.”

Gonzo: “Wonderful, I'll dine with you, Piggy.”

Miss Piggy: “Not you, Gonzo, just Kermit and me.”

Kermit: “Well, that’ll be a good idea.”

The Terrace Restaurant

Miss Piggy shows up in 1 of her fancy outfits.

Kermit: “Oh wow, good evening, Piggy, you look very lovely tonight.”

Miss Piggy: “Thanks a bunch, Kermit, I'm terribly sorry if I kept you waiting.”

Kermit: “Well, it was worth it.”

Miss Piggy: “How nice of you.”

Kermit: “I took the opportunity of ordering us some sparkling red punch.”

Kermit: (calling out to the Insolent Waiter) “Oh, waiter.”

Insolent Waiter: “Yes? can I help you guys out?”

Kermit: “The sparkling red punch, please.”

Miss Piggy: “It must be sparkling red fruit juice.”

Insolent Waiter: “Not exactly, it’s sparkling apple cider, 1 of the best ciders in Texas.”

Kermit: “You can serve us right now, please.”

Insolent Waiter: “Oh, can I?”

Miss Piggy: “Look at how he does that.”

Kermit: “Pretty suave indeed.”

Insolent Waiter: “You wanna smell the bottle cap?”

Kermit: (sniffing at the bottle cap) “Smells real good.”

Miss Piggy: “Of course it does.”

Insolent Waiter: “Would you guys like to taste it 1st?”

Kermit: “Well, I-”

Miss Piggy: “I actually think he's supposed to.”

Kermit: “Could you taste it for us, please?”

The insolent waiter tastes the sparkling fruit punch.

Insolent Waiter: “Wonderful choice.”

Kermit: “It should be for 27 cents, and can we have bendy straws, please?”

Insolent Waiter: “Yes, please, I expected that.”

Kermit: “Thanks a bunch, that'll be it for now.”

Insolent Waiter: “Oh thank you, thanks a bunch, thank you.”

Kermit: “Here's to you, Piggy, now let’s drink up.”

Miss Piggy: “It makes me giggly on the inside.”

Kermit: “The sparkling fruit punch?”

Miss Piggy: “Everything around here.”

Kermit: “It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?”

Miss Piggy: “Mm hmm.”

Kermit: “And the moon’s very lovely.”

Miss Piggy: “Mm hmm.”

Kermit: “But you know, Piggy, the moon doesn't actually look like you.”

Insolent Waiter: “Piggy, oh, Piggy, are you Piggy?”

Miss Piggy: “Yes, Mr. Waiter sir?”

Insolent Waiter: “Telephone for you.”

Miss Piggy: “Well, Kermit, I did place 1 telephone call to my agent, it'll only be a couple of minutes.”

Kermit: “What the hey?”

Miss Piggy leaves to do the very important telephone call.

Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]

Rowlf: “Good evenin’, Rowlf the Dog here, sit yourself down here.”

Kermit: “I’m Kermit by the way.”

Rowlf: “Pleasure to meet you here, I ain’t no Heifetz, but I get by pretty fast.”

Kermit: “That was very nice indeed.”

Rowlf: “Whoa, hey, broken heart, right?”

Kermit: “Does it really show?”

Rowlf: “Listen to me, when you've been playin’ the piano just as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every single drop of rain, a shattered dream vision for every single fallen star.”

Kermit: “Exactly right, she just walked out on me.”

Rowlf: “Typical evenin’, that's exactly why I live alone.”

Kermit: “You do, right?”

Rowlf: “Oh you bet.”

Rowlf: (playing on the piano keys) “I finish my hard work, I go home, read a good book, have a couple of root beers, take myself for a nice long walk and go right to bed."

Kermit: “Nice and pure simple.”

Rowlf: “Stay away from young women, that's my motto.”

Kermit: “But I can't.”

Rowlf: “Well, neither can I, that's my problem.”

Rowlf: You can't live with 'em

you can't live without 'em

there's somethin’

irresistible-ish about 'em

we grin and bear it

cause the nights are long

I hope that somethin' better

comes along

Kermit: “I know exactly what you mean, Rowlf.”

Kermit: it's no good complaining

and pointless to holler

Rowlf: if she's a beauty

she'll get under your collar

Kermit: she made a monkey

outta old King Kong

Kermit and Rowlf: I hope that somethin' better

comes along

Kermit: still it's fun

when you're fetching

and agree to see an etching

that you keep at your lily pad

Kermit (continued): there is no solution

it's part of evolution

Rowlf: the pitter patter of soles

the little feet of tadpoles

Kermit: “Uh, Rowlf? tadpoles don't have any feet.”

Rowlf: “Sorry ‘bout that, 1, 2, 3 and 4.”

Kermit: there's no limitation

to mixing and matching

Rowlf: some get an itchin'

for a critter

they've been scratchin'

a skunk was badgered

the results were strong

I hope that somethin’ better

Kermit: I hope that something better

Kermit and Rowlf: I hope that something better comes along

[Music Ends]

Insolent Waiter: “Telephone call for Kermit the Frog, are you Kermit the Frog?”

Kermit: “Yeah, exactly right.”

Insolent Waiter: “Telephone for you.”

Kermit leaves to do his telephone calls.

Rowlf: “Well, it's not often when you see a frog that green have the blues that bad.”

Kermit: (on the telephone) “Uh, hello?”

Cut to Miss Piggy in captivity by Doc Hopper and his evil men…….

Miss Piggy: (on the other telephone) “Oh, Kermit, please!”

Kermit: (on the telephone) “Piggy, is that really you?”

Doc Hopper: (on the other telephone) “Yes, of course that’s her, and this is Doc Hopper speaking, now you listen here, Mr. frog and listen to me real good, step right outside the motel right now and my men will meet you there.”

Kermit: (on the telephone) “But what if I don't?”

Doc Hopper: (on the other telephone) “Then your future wife will be ham and bacon by breakfast tomorrow morning.”

Miss Piggy: “No, Kermit, don't do it, don't do it!”

Kermit steps right outside to confront Doc Hopper and his evil men.

Kermit: “Are you the men that I'm supposed to meet?”

Doc Hopper: “Good, Glen, very good, nice and tight.”

Max: “The professor's here, Doc.”

Doc Hopper: “Show him in here, show him in here.”

Miss Piggy: “Kermit, I'm not a bit worried about anything, I know that you're planning something brave and heroic.

Kermit: “Well, I nearly got us this far, didn't I?”

Professor Krassman: “Hey, Doc, how are you?”

Doc Hopper: “Hey, Professor Krassman.”

Professor Krassman: “It sure is good to see you, Doc, you little rustic daredevil, you, now where's my victim? I mean, patient.”

Doc Hopper: “Step right this way, Professor Krassman.”

Professor Krassman: “Of course I will.”

Doc Hopper: “Let me just introduce you to your patient, Professor Krassman is the leading authority on mind control in all sorts of frogs.”

Professor Krassman: “It's a super rapidly growing field, you enjoy garlic, don't you?

Doc Hopper: “Tell us what you're gonna do to our Kermit.”

Professor Krassman: “Well, we're gonna perform an electronic cerebrectomy.'

Doc Hopper: “We’re gonna perform a what?”

Professor Krassman: “An electronic cerebrectomy.”

Doc Hopper: “Well? what's that?”

Professor Krassman: “It's something very sensational that you'll need to hang on to your cap.”

Doc Hopper: “Yeah?”

Professor Krassman: “When a German scientist says hang on to your cap, it's not a casual conversation, hang on to your cap, (Doc Hopper hangs on to his cap) cap, hold, good, now, what we're gonna do is bring out a machine that's gonna amaze you.”

Professor Krassman: (calling out to 1 of his assistants) “Hey, Bertram, bring out the machine!”

Professor Krassman: “Wait ‘til you see this, you really think we're sleeping in Dusseldorf? you think we're taking a nap in Cologne? No, we're working at night time, every single night, a new dial, a new knob, a diode.”

Doc Hopper: “Electronic ce-”

Professor Krassman: “Cerebrectomy, electronic cerebrectomy.”

Doc Hopper: “What does it do?”

Professor Krassman: “What does it do? it changes the brains into guacamole, 1st of all, I'll pull right outta this, alright?”

Miss Piggy: “How wonderful, 2nd of all?”

Professor Krassman: “Stop!”

Professor Krassman: “I’m not gonna allow provincial laughter, now, we take your future husband, the little green F-R-O-G, put him in the chair, clamp on the terminals, drop the electronic yarmulke and throw, what we call in German, the switch, (speaking to Kermit who’s in captivity with Miss Piggy by his side) why yes, you little green devil, very soon it'll be a super-hot time at the old skull tonight, thanks a bunch, Herr Machine, right now, the frog will do your bidding, he will do your every single whim, he will do your television commercials, yes, of course, he’ll sell your frogs' legs.”

Doc Hopper: “Zaparooni.”

Professor Krassman: “A head full of brain jelly.”

Doc Hopper: “A brain full of library paste.” Professor Krassman: “Let's fry some brains.”

Doc Hopper: “Professor Krassman, You've got a fun thrilled job.”

Professor Krassman: “I really love it, I really love it, if I could inflict a little bit of pain during the afternoon, I always sleep good at night, we'll let you get on with it, then.”

Doc Hopper: “My pleasure, Professor Krassman sir, Max, I'll be back later on to pick up what's left of the frog.”

Professor Krassman: “What's left of the frog, you can have everything, but excuse the brain, alright, bring the frog over here.”

The villains take Kermit and put him in the strap chair.

Miss Piggy: “Kermit, whatever happens next, I’m not giving up this evening together as always for anything, would you?”

Kermit: “Make me an offer, Piggy.”

Miss Piggy: “Oh! Kermit!”

Professor Krassman: “Alright, I got him, I got him, good, good, and why don't we take 1 little seat, Kermit? hold his hands down, get your feet in place, [Kermit Shuddering In Fear] will you quit shuddering? go out like a frog, not a toad, okay, Herr Machine, this is big time here, ready to get to work? hand clamps, foot clamps, you can struggle all you want now, Mr. Frog, it'll do you very little good, alright, and right now it's time to drop the electronic beanie cap, very soon, there'll be enough voltage coursing right through your little frog brain to light up Cincinnati, here we go.”

Miss Piggy: “Oh please, oh please, not my 1 true love, please!”

Professor Krassman: “Say goodbye to the green frog, lady pig.”

Miss Piggy: “Oh yeah?!? why should I?!?”

Professor Krassman: “‘Cause in about 13 minutes, he won't know you from kosher ham and bacon.

Miss Piggy: “Alright, that does it!”

Miss Piggy: (karate kicking the villains) “Hii-yaaaah!”

Professor Krassman: “What the heck's going on around here? a female pig that goes crazy? what’s this? a luau party?”

Villain Number 1: “Where'd she go?”

Miss Piggy: “Over here, boys.”

Miss Piggy: “Hii-yaaaaaah!”

Villain Number 2: “There she is, let’s get her!” Professor Krassman: “I must reach the switch, I must, switch, I must reach the-”

Kermit: “Oh dear.”

Miss Piggy: (karate kicking Professor Krassman) “Hii-yaaaaaah!”

Miss Piggy: (rescuing Kermit) “Now, Kermit.”

Kermit: “Thanks a bunch, Piggy.”

Miss Piggy: “Well, do you think we should go now, Kermit?”

[Telephone Ringing]

Kermit: “Well, just 1 minute.”

Kermit: (on the telephone) “Hello? what?”

Kermit: “Oh, Piggy, it's your agent.”

Kermit gives Miss Piggy the telephone.

Miss Piggy: “Thanks a bunch.”

Miss Piggy: (on the telephone) “Yeah, Marty, what have you got? Television commercial? how much? when? okay, I take it, goodbye.”

Miss Piggy leaves to get her purse.

Kermit: (still narrating) And so right after Piggy and I escaped from imprisonment, we went right across the country line and Fozzie was driving us around while singing to himself.

Fozzie: Oh beautiful

for spacious skies

for amber waves of grain

for purple mountains' majesties

above the fruited plain

America, America

God shed His grace on thee

and crown thy good

with brotherhood

from sea to Shining sea

Fozzie: “Patriotism swells in the true heart of an American bear.”

Cut back to Doc Hopper and his evil men (except Max).

[Loud Gunshots]

Doc Hopper: “Hold it, men, hold it, hold your fire!”

Doc Hopper; “Now, men, no reflection on the job you’ve all been doing, but I decided to bring in a specialist.”

Snake Walker steps right outta the limousine.

Doc Hopper: “Now, men, this is Snake Walker, tell them what you do around here, Snake.”

Snake Walker: “Take frogs out.”

Cut back to the Muppet friends driving around in the German street machine.

Fozzie: “Kermit, how long is it to Hollywood?”

Kermit: “Well, Fozzie, we gotta be there by tomorrow morning.”

Gonzo: “Hey, Kermit, are you gonna get an agent like Piggy had?”

Fozzie: “Oh, Gonzo, you know he's always touchy about that.”

Kermit: (seeing Miss Piggy waiting for them) “Hey, who's that? I don't believe this.”

Fozzie: “Oh no.”

Miss Piggy: “Hey, Kermit.”

Kermit: “That's Piggy.”

Fozzie: “Yeah right, I know.”

Rowlf: “You really think we should help her with her bag?”

Miss Piggy: “Oh, Kermit, what an unbelievable coincidence, (she gets right back in the German street machine) hello again, it's me! would you care to hold my luggage case?”

Kermit: “Well, Piggy.”

Miss Piggy: “Well what, Kermit? so much has happened to me ever since I saw you last evening.”

Kermit: “Well, Piggy, I don't give 1 hoot.”

Rowlf: “I’m Rowlf the Dog, and I was playin' the piano and-oh, never mind.”

Miss Piggy: “Kermit, I really missed you more than anything, don't I get 1 single kiss of 1 true love?”

Kermit: “I don't really think so, Piggy.”

Miss Piggy: “Oh? just 1 little snuggle?”

Kermit and Miss Piggy are now snuggling up with 1 another.

Doc Hopper: (speaking from his car radio) “You've been listening to good music to snuggle with frogs by, and this is Doc Hopper saying that if Kermit the Frog doesn’t stop right now and call me and agree to be my national spokesman, he’ll soon be on the breakfast, lunch and dinner menus.”

Suddenly the German street machine begins going kerplunk.

Kermit: “We'll be alright.”

Miss Piggy: “My brave young hero.”

[Loud Gunshot]

Fozzie: “Oh, oh boy, yeah right, what? no problem.”

Kermit: “It’s alright, it’s alright.”

Fozzie: “No problem, hey, alright.”

The German Street machine suddenly breaks down.

Fozzie: “Oh, we're in real big trouble here, oh, I wish I still had my Studebaker.”

Rowlf: “There's probably somethin' broken about that car engine.”

Gonzo: “Hey don't worry about it, somebody’s bound to come along with all of us.”

Kermit: “Oh? really?

Meanwhile at a nearby campsite……

Rowlf: (cooking their dinner meals over the campfire while Fozzie prepares the garden spinach and carrot salad) “Well, I guess we messed up, right, Gonzo?”

Gonzo: “Oh yeah, but the evening sky sure is beautiful out here, look at that.”

Fozzie: “We're gonna miss the auditions tomorrow morning, right, guys?”

Kermit: “Goodness, Fozzie, we hope not.”

Gonzo: “Oh boy, you could get lost in a big sky like that, I sure wish I had those fliers again.”

Miss Piggy: “Well, so much for Hollywood.”

Kermit: “Hey, listen, everybody, I never promised that we'd make it there, I never promised anything at all.”

Rowlf: “Alright, dinner time, everybody, let’s dig in.”

Kermit and the Muppet friends dig into their dinner meals, then Kermit walks around and sees his reflective image.

Kermit: “I didn't really promise anybody anything, what do I know about Hollywood anyway? just the dream visions I got from sitting right through too many double features.”

Kermit’s Image: “So why’d you leave the swamp in the 1st place?”

Kermit: “'Cause some agent man told me I’ve had lots of talent, he probably says that to everybody.”

Kermit’s Image: “On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp in the meantime, you'd be feeling pretty depressed anyhow.

Kermit: “Yeah right, but then it’d just be me feeling depressed, right now I got a female pig, a comedy bear, a female chicken, a music loving dog and a blue alien critter.”

Kermit’s Image; “Yeah right, a blue alien critter.”

Kermit: “Anyway, I brought them all out here, right into the middle of nowhere, it's my entire fault.”

Kermit’s Image: “But still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember that they wanted to come along.”

Kermit: “But that's ‘cause they believed in me.”

Kermit’s Image: “No, they believed in the dream vision.”

Kermit: “Well, so do I, but I-”

Kermit’s Image: “You do?”

Kermit: “Yeah right, of course I do.”

Kermit’s Image: “Well then?”

Kermit: “Well then, I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anybody, I promised myself.”

[Music In Background]

Kermit: “Hey now, wait just 1 minute, hey, what's happening here?”

Floyd: “At the minute, we're what's happening.”

Dr. Teeth: “Oh great, wonderful, yeah, alright, zoot, hey, Zoot, hold it, hold it, Animal, cool it back there, yeah, alright, yeah.”

Kermit: “Hey, listen, it's wonderful to see you guys, but how’d you ever find us?”

Dr. Teeth: “Oh, easy, we just read the screenplay that you left us.”

Dr. Teeth: (reading the other part of the screenplay) Exterior desert, night.' We knew right where you were in the meantime.

Janice: “Like, can you really get behind it?”

Floyd: “Hey, when do you guys need to be at that audition?”

Kermit: “2 PM tomorrow afternoon.”

Dr. Teeth: “Well come aboard the bus, we'll have breakfast and lunch at Hollywood and Vine.”

The 11 Muppet friends are now driving around on the Electric Mayhem bus.

All 11 Muppet friends: Movin' right along

Floyd: “Oh yeah.”

Dr. Teeth: “Here we go.”

All 11 Muppet friends: movin' right along

Miss Piggy: “Kermit, please whisper sweet nothings into my left ear.”

Kermit: (whispering into Miss Piggy’s left ear) “Motorcycle cop.”

Miss Piggy: “The word motorcycle cop is a sweet nothing?”

Kermit: “A motorcycle cop is chasing after us, hey, Dr. Teeth, you’d better pull over.”

Dr. Teeth: “Hey, easier better than said.”

Dr. Teeth pulls the Electric Mayhem bus over.

Floyd: “Uh oh.”

Janice: “Drag city.”

Kermit: “What’ll do we do right now?”

Miss Piggy: “Oh dear.”

Dr. Teeth: “Hey, you, the young man with the badge, the police officer, the cops, the arms, the P-I-”

Miss Piggy: “Don't ever say that word again.”

Dr. Teeth: “I wouldn't think about it.”

Max, who’s disguised as a motorcycle cop shows up and reveals himself.

Kermit: “Did we do something terribly wrong, Officer?”

Miss Piggy: “Oh, Kermit, it's him.”

Kermit: “Alright, gang, just Let him explain.”

Max: “This entire disguise is only so I could warn all of you.”

Fozzie: “Yeah, right, sure, of course, sure.”

Max: “I never even thought Doc would try to attack Kermit, I even thought he was gonna lean on him, but right now he's got this frog hunter in from the coast and the young man is very dangerous.”

Fozzie: “Oh my word, Kermit, what are we gonna do?”

Floyd: “Well, Kermit, it's time to beat feet.”

Dr. Teeth: “I really love it, turbo chase music is 1 of our best gigs.”

Kermit: “Hold it there, Dr. Teeth, what's right up ahead?”

Dr. Teeth: “Oh just a very old ghost town.”

Kermit: “Fine by me, hey, listen, you go tell Doc Hopper that I'll be waiting for him there.”

Max: “What the?”

Miss Piggy: “Huh, what?”

Fozzie: “Kermit, you'll get destroyed.”

Kermit: “Listen, you guys, listen, I can't spend my entire life running away from a bully man, it's time for an ultimate showdown.”

The Electric Mayhem bus stops right by the old ghost town.

Animal: “Chugga, chugga.”

Kermit: “Hey, listen, guys, I'm gonna go check things out, so everybody stay on the bus, alright?”

Outside the old ghost town

Floyd: “Hey, Kermit.”

Kermit: “Yeah, Floyd?”

Floyd: “Can I take Animal out here for a walk? he needs some exercise.”

Kermit: “Yeah, right, sure.”

Kermit walks around and accidentally activates a musical rotating rain barrel.

[Mariachi Music Playing]

Kermit: “What’s that thing?”

Bunsen and Beaker show up from inside their laboratory.

Bunsen: “Oh that's 1 of our greatest inventions, a musical rotating rain barrel.”

Kermit: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”

Bunsen: “You see, I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my faithful assistant, Beaker.”

Beaker: “Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee.”

Bunsen: “We live here, perfecting super good inventions, come inside, come inside.”

Kermit, Bunsen and Beaker enter the laboratory.

Bunsen: “Welcome to our laboratory, please don't touch anything in here.”

Kermit: “Is this the only street that’s right into town?”

Bunsen: “Why yes, of course it is.”

Floyd and Animal show up in the laboratory.

Floyd: “Hey, what are you guys doin' in here?”

Bunsen: “I'm so thrilled you asked, we're perfecting our greatest invention: insta-grow pills.”

Floyd: “Yeah right, but what the heck is that?”

Bunsen: “It’s a 4-foot prune.”

Floyd: “A 4-foot prune, yeah right man, well, what else do these pills make big?”

Bunsen: “They work on mostly anything, but the effect is, sadly temporary.

Beaker: [Mumbling “Sadly temporary.”].

Meanwhile back outside, Doc Hopper and the villains show up again.

Scooter: “Hey, Kermit, here comes Doc Hopper right now.”

Kermit: “I know, Scooter, I'll be prepared for him.”

Doc Hopper: “Alright, Mr. Frog, where are you?”

Kermit: “I'm right here, I'll meet you right in the middle of the streets.”

Doc Hopper; “Oh yeah, Mr. Frog?”

Kermit: “Young man to frog.”

Kermit comes right outta the laboratory in his wild west gear.

Kermit: “Alright, Doc Hopper.”

Doc Hopper: “Alright, Mr. Frog, 1 more chance, you can do our television commercials live or stuffed.”

Kermit: “What's the matter with you?!? you’ve gotta be crazy chasing me right across the entire country, why are you doing this to me?”

Doc Hopper: “Well, 'cause in my entire life, I wanted to own a lot of frog-leg restaurants, and you're the key, green guy.”

Kermit: “Yeah right, well, I've got a dream vision too, but it's about singing and tap dancing and making other people bright and cheerful, the kind of dream vision that gets better, the more people you share it with, and well, I've found an entire bunch of good friends who have the exact same dream vision and it kind of makes us like a true family, you got anybody like that, Doc? when you get all of those restaurants, who are you gonna share it with? who are your true friends, Doc?”

Doc Hopper: “Oh, these guys? I got lots of true friends, Max, for instance.”

Doc Hopper: “Max, come over here.”

Kermit: “I don't really think you're a terrible man, Doc, I think that if you look right in your heart and mind, you'll find that you really wanna let me and my good friends go, to follow our dream vision, but if that's not the kind of young man you are, and if what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you, well then, go ahead and destroy me.”

Doc Hopper: “Alright, men, destroy him.”

Max: “No, stop, wait, please!”

Suddenly, Giant Animal emerges from the laboratory’s roof and terrifies Doc Hopper and the villains away from them.

Kermit: “Everybody on to Hollywood.”

All Muppet Friends: “Yahoo!”

Later, the 11 Muppet friends are driving around on the Electric Mayhem bus on their way to Hollywood.

Dr. Teeth: “Next stop is Hollywood and Vine.”

Fozzie: “Look at the ocean, wow, the ocean.”

Meanwhile at Hollywood……

Miss Tracy: “Why yes, Mr. Lord, I'll have those deal memos for you right in a jiffy.”

[Telephone Ringing]

Miss Tracy: (on the telephone) “Hello.”

Miss Tracy: (on the telephone) “Oh I'm terribly sorry, but Mr. Lord can't be disturbed by anybody, he's packaging a blockbuster hit.”

Kermit and his Muppet friends show up inside.

Miss Piggy: “Oh, Kermit, look, it's wonderful, like a dream vision come true.”

Kermit: “Well, don't count your tadpoles ‘til they're hatched, I still need to audition.”

Floyd: “Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it.”

The Muppet friends walk right by the door, but Lew Lord’s Secretary stops them.

Miss Tracy: “And where do you think you guys are going?”

Kermit: “Oh hi there, we’re gonna audition for Lew Lord.”

Miss Tracy: “But you can't just walk right in here off the streets, you know, especially not with all of these animals here.”

Kermit: “Animals? what's the matter with animals?”

Animal: “Animals, Animals!”

Miss Tracy: “This place is a movie studio, not a zoo, and besides, [Sneezes A Bit] I'm allergic to animal furs, now get along, all of you.”

Kermit: “Now wait just 1 minute, see here, ma’am, I may not be 1 of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve 1 chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office ‘til you let all of us in to see Lew Lord, right, gang?”

Fozzie: “Yes, right, yes.”

Floyd: “Yeah right, come on.”

Kermit: “We're gonna sit right down here and wait.”

Miss Tracy: “Security, this Miss Tracy, I wanna report about a-”

Miss Tracy: [Sneezes A Bit]

Miss Piggy: “Shake it, shake it, everybody.”

Kermit: “That's it.”

Gonzo: “Look what it's doing.”

Floyd: “Go get 'em, man.”

Kermit: “Way to go, guys.”

Miss Tracy: [Sneezing Wildly]

Fozzie: “Allergies are sometimes nothing to sneeze at.”

Dr. Teeth: “I'm allergic to cat furs myself.”

Kermit: “Alright, way to go, guys.”

They now go right to the door to enter the filming place.

Kermit: (speaking to Miss Tracy) “Thanks, Miss Tracy.”

Kermit: “Well, my good friends, this is it.”

Meanwhile in Lew Lord’s office….

Kermit: “Mr. Lord? please forgive the interruption, but we’re here to audition.”

Miss Piggy: “Yes, right, yes.”

Kermit: “We've come over a couple of miles just to-”

Lew Lord reveals himself to the Muppet friends.

Kermit: “Oh boy.”

Miss Piggy: “Kermit, we're all with you.”

Kermit: “Please, kind sir, I’m Kermit, and we read your advertisement, and well, we've come to be the richest and the greatest.”

Lew Lord: “Miss Tracy, prepare the standard richest and the greatest contract for Kermit and his Muppet friends.”

Meanwhile inside the filming room……

Kermit: “just look at all of this, how did a frog like me make the big time? [Music In Background] it begins when we're young kids.”

Kermit: A show-off at school

making faces at friends

you're a clown and a fool

Kermit (continued): doing pratfalls and birdcalls

and bad imitations

ignoring your homework

there's that dedication

working the mirror

Kermit: you're getting standing ovations

Fozzie: you're burning with hope

Electric Mayhem Band members: you're building up steam

Scooter: what was once juvenile-ish

Miss Piggy: is grownup and stylish

Gonzo: you're close to your dream

Kermit and Muppet friends: if somebody out there loves you

stands up and hollers for more

Fozzie: “More!”

Kermit and Muppet friends: you've found a home

at the magic store

Kermit: “Alright, everybody, production number, alright?”

Dr. Teeth: “Right off the trucks and on the job.”

Animal: “On the job.”

Floyd: “Hey, whoa, oh, geez-”

Janice: “Wow, like, let's do it.”

Zoot: “Do what?”

Scooter: “The movie, Zoot.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir, a foot stomper.”

Miss Piggy: “Makeup, please.”

Fozzie: “Yes, of course, let's do it.”

Kermit: “Hey, Fozzie, take those wagons outta there.”

Fozzie: “Yes, kind sir, I'm off.”

Kermit: “Scenery over there, good.”

Fozzie: Movin’ right along, “Hey.”

Kermit: “Hey, be careful, those are the trees for the swamp.”

Dr. Teeth: “Mellow and profitable.”

Fozzie: “Wocka, wocka.”

Floyd: “Let's make the scene, Janice.”

Janice: “Okay, Floyd, let’s do it.”

Kermit: “Watch out for the tree, Rowlf.”

Bunsen: “Be careful, Scooter.”

Beaker is posing as Miss Piggy’s hair dresser.

Miss Piggy: “Watch what you’re doing.”

Beaker: [Meeps In Alarm]

Kermit: “Piggy, you look beautiful back there.”

Miss Piggy: “Thanks, Kermit.”

Kermit: “Hollywood language.”

Fozzie: “Whoa ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.!”

Rowlf: “Good, Fozzie, good.”

Kermit: “The lights? yes, good, save those arcs.”

Crazy Harry: [Laughs A Bit] “Crazy Harry always fools around with the electricity.”

Bunsen: “The sound is ready, give me 1 good level.”

Animal: “Testing!”

Rowlf: (operating the movie camera) “Rolling.”

Rowlf: “Alright, everybody, stay in concentration, right?”

Scooter: (holding up a clap board) “Alright, Muppet Movie, scene 1 -A, take 1, and action.”

Miss Piggy: “Makeup’s ready.”

Kermit: “Mm hmm.”

Floyd: “Scenery’s ready.”

Kermit: “Oh yeah, good.”

Bunsen: “Film’s running!

Kermit: “Good, yeah, good.”

Rowlf: “Camera’s rollin'.”

Miss Piggy: “We’re ready, Kermit.”

Kermit: “Okay, everybody, stand by and here we go.”

[Music In Background]

Kermit: Why are there so many

songs about rainbows

Fozzie: that's part of what rainbows do

Gonzo: rainbows are memories

Miss Piggy: sweet dream reminders

of what is it

you'd like to do

All Muppet friends: all of us watching

and wishing we'd find it

Kermit: I've noticed you're watching too

Kermit and Muppet friends: someday you'll find it

the rainbow connection

the lovers

the dreamers

and

Gonzo: “Yahoooooooo!”

[Loud Crash!]

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: Life's like a movie

write your own ending

keep believing

keep pretending

we've done

just what we set out to do

Kermit and Muppet friends: thanks to the lovers

the dreamers

and you

Kermit: [Narrating] "And that's how we all came to be official film stars.”

End flashback sequences….

Kermit: "And that's exactly how we all came along to be together as always."

Gonzo: "Wow, even I always remember my plumbing business."

Fozzie: "And driving around in that studebaker which broke down and had to be sold to that used car shop."

Dr. Teeth: "We'll always remember driving over to Hollywood on that bus, ever since 1979."

Scooter: "And we're all gonna be here as always for a very long period of time."

Wayne: "You can always say that again."

Wanda: "True friendship 'til the very end."

Mildred Huxtetter: "The All-New Muppet Show will continue for a very long time.”

End Production Credits

Directed by James Bobbin

Produced by Nicholas Stoller

Music composed by Christophe Becke

Cast Members Credits

Kevin Spacey as Doc Hopper

Seth Rogen as Max

Joe Pesci as Professor Krassman

Brad Pitt as Snake Walker

Jeff Dunham as an Edgar Bergen impersonator

Tim Allen as Mad Man Mooney

Gary Oldman as the El Sleezo Owner

Jack Black as Bernie the Hollywood Agent

Will Ferrell as the Beauty Contest Compere

Bill Hader as the Ice Cream Vendor

Angelina Jolie as the El Sleazo Patron

Megan Fox as the Myth

Meryl Streep as Lew Lord's Secretary

Ben Stiller as the Insolent Waiter

Chris Rock as the Balloon vendor

Robert De Niro as the El Sleezo Tough Customer

Anthony Hopkins as Lew Lord

Voice Performers Credits

Matt Vogel as Kermit, Robin, Crazy Harry, Floyd, Camilla, Sweetums, Dr. Strangepork, Lew Zealand and Uncle Deadly (voices)

Eric Jacobson as Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Animal, Sam and Marvin Suggs (voices)

Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Beauregard, Waldorf, Bunsen, Zoot and Chip (voices)

Bill Barretta as Pepe, Johnny Fiama the Swedish Chef, Rowlf, Link Hogthrob, Dr. Teeth and Bobo (voices)

David Rudman as Scooter, Janice, Wayne, Bobby Benson, Beaker and Mildred Huxtetter (voices)

Peter Linz as Walter, Bean, Rizzo, Statler and the Newsman (voices)

Alice Dinnean Vernon as Hilda and Wanda (voices)

Carroll Spinney as Big Bird (voice)

Brian Henson as Sal Minella (voice)

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